Saturday, 25 December 2010

Belated Seasonal Advice

From the Green Humour Group via, would you believe, Noel....

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur.

We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both owing to risk of allergy to animal fur and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel in. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter be moderate and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While shepherds watched their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that owing to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his/her glory all around s/he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
and if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R. Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Little donkey, little donkey,
on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding
onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA has issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four-hour plodding period. Please note that owing to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer to be referred to simply as Mr Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his
equine rights.

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable, since it may be redeemed at a later date through such organizations as 'cash for gold' to pay the student tuition fees, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate owing to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient's name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We do not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars alone in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC route finder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding minimum fuel consumption. Please note that, as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable owing to the likelihood of dust from the camels' hooves.

Away in a Manger
No Crib for a bed -

This is definitely one for Social Services.

Monday, 20 December 2010

HALLUCINATIONS?

Redbridge has been experiencing unusual weather - for the second successive year. We've had SNOW in December - and this year we've had it TWICE so far.

Last week the Meteorological Office forecasts were for snow on Friday, and heavy snow on Saturday. And this time they got it right - spot on, in fact and there was even some for good measure on Thursday! Despite these warnings, Redbridge Council, Essex County Council, and Transport for London (TfL) all appeared oblivious to the threat. The roads in the Barkingside, Clayhall, Fairlop, Grange Hill and Hainault areas of the borough, and those in neighbouring Epping Forest District, were like the proverbial skating rinks and showed no signs of having had preventive treatment of salt and/or grit in response to the warnings. Traffic was either at a standstill, or simply crawled - 45 minutes, for example, to travel from the Tesco traffic lights to Fullwell Cross. Many bus routes were curtailed at various times, and some buses temporarily abandoned on roads like Tomswood Hill.

All this despite assurances from the Transport Secretary, and the London Mayor, that local councils and TfL had ample stocks of salt to be ready for bad weather - weather accurately FORECAST.

Contact was made with Redbridge's Director of Environmental Services to protest about the situation. Remarkably, he claims to have visited Redbridge on Saturday and found ALL the principal roads in excellent condition! Either he was hallucinating very badly, or the Redbridge that he visited must have been the one close to Southampton Docks at the end of the M271.

Welcome to cloud cuckoo land.